By George I finally get it! (haibun)

(haiku)

My eyes read the words,
a lotus opened, my heart
touched the light of love.

 © Cheryl-Lynn Roberts 2014/03/04

Have you ever heard the expression that when you teach you learn so much more and better? I used to say that about some of my workshops on personal and social development. When I would feel my self-esteem and self-worth slowly slipping into dark places, I knew it was high time to give a workshop on Self-esteem or Assertiveness skills. Every time I would offer information, examples on how to enhance our self-esteem, I was reminded of my own personal struggle with this, from time to time.

It doesn’t take much really. It can be one too many criticisms on your work, a feeling you get when a lover has dumped you or the self-defeating attitude of seeking perfection…you have no choice but to feel you will never measure up…who IS perfect unless you are divine. Well, I take that last comment back because we are all created in the image and likeness of the Divine and I believe we all have “the light” within us. So scratch that…I digress as usual.

Where was I again? Oh, yes, rehashing former knowledge to absorb it again or better. I find that when I am talking to callers at my work, when I am offering some guidance and giving examples, I do a quick scan…introspection … and sometimes that phone call is helping me as well. I end the call and write a few notes or take my break and reflect on what I shared. Sometimes I write a story or a poem if I feel I have tripped on an “aha” moment.

Last night I shared a few reflections by contributing to a prompt at The Seeker’s Dungeon on Secrets. I chose to write on personal experience on another blog and write on my professional experience on this blog. I felt there was something missing to my first offering. I like to look at all sides of a picture and then I added a second piece which was the secrets those who offend and hurt others by adding a snapshot of someone confessing his sins. I thought that was repenting, feeling guilt was a way to make it sort of alright…it was sort of a start I thought because “guilt” is such a terrible place to be, right? Then I also could relate on some level with the priest who has to hear all sorts of confessions yet I rarely have to hear vile offences as he does. Although I may hear of the guilt some are burdened with, their shoulders weighted heavily and I will try to help them find forgiveness and love for themselves.

But this repentance thing really got to me for I received a comment and invitation to read a post on what the true meaning of repentance is. I was absorbed and finally enlightened…and “lightened” such a burden was lifted from my shoulders as I read the beauty of grace and forgiveness. Of course I knew intellectually and remembered reading in bible class and hearing over the years in sermons that Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our sins but that is not what my church taught me. It taught me to earn forgiveness and yes, we were always judged, gauged by how much we did to fit into that “in” group of the blessed and righteous. So much pressure there was in this environment, I adopted a “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t” so may as well do my own thing and decided to follow the Golden Rule. That is what I have tried to do most of my life.

But when I read that post on repentance, I felt relieved and comforted because you see, I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now…

Written for: FreeWriteFridays Here is your FWF prompt: I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now…

Inspired by:

Repentance: There is nothing sorrowful about it.

The Seeker’s Dungeon

Secrets of Despair

Secrets of Despair – 2

Photo Credits: The Dance of Youths. This has always been an image I have adopted and tried to include in my work. When I created Alecoute-Ntouch I had originally wanted to use a logo resembling the Dance of Youths. For me, it represented being in harmony, in touch, être à l’écoute avec soi, with self. The dove represented so much more than the Holy Spirit…it represented my core…my mother’s name is Colombe (that is French for dove) so you see how Picasso’s art truly spoke to me and breathed life into my work and whole being.

Dear Driver,

I know it’s still winter and we should be expecting snow, storms and even blizzards. But…and there is always a but, by this time of year, it is difficult to be as wise, preventative and proactive. We get two or three days of wishful springtime weather and then BAM, it snows but it is that heavy, sticky melting kind…so warmer outerwear is not quite necessary. That was on Sunday and Monday. It was welcomed as we know it is what helps the maple trees create that lovely sweet liquid…that sap will run all night with this weather. So we embrace it …sort of.

For some odd reason, this morning I decided to throw in my neck warmer, my pilot warm hat and warm felt mittens into my backpack. I noticed it was snowing and it did not appear to be that sticky melting type of whiteness. Of course I weighted it down with a good umbrella incase the snow turned to heavy wet snow or even rain…you just never know.

Tonight I went out for a later dinner…I had to get some fresh air. It is healthy to walk when you have a sedentary job but it is also mentally therapeutic and healing. So warm hat, mittens and neck warmer I wear and out I go. Cars are driving slowly, expecting pedestrians to run on amber lights and could slip and fall, so they wait almost patiently, it seems.

Several hours later, leaving at the end of my shift, I could not see a foot path on the sidewalk…the snow drifts were so high, I had no choice but walk on the street…my back to oncoming traffic since it is a one way. Cars passed slowly, not ONE honked or skidded to avoid me…they kept to their left and rode by slowly…Nice!

But the attitude off the island…away from the big city and on the south shore, in the suburbs something happened to some driver’s’ brains! Driving their SUV’s or other wheels…sheesh!!…patience car person!! While you impatiently want to cross that cross walk where travelers have just stepped off the bus, you are in a warm vehicle…the walkers are facing cold weather, strong winds…having a difficult time to keep their head up as the pinching, freezing snow is burning their cheeks, blinding their eyes…so patience while we just get out of your way…okay?

Winter Storm hits Montreal and much of Quebec, guess I won’t be visiting the Eastern Townships for a few days.

Photo credits: CBC

On my way to work (haibun)

On my way to work today sitting on the bus I decided to put in my ear buds. I do that sometimes to block out the noise, chit chat and drift off to my singer, my choice today Damien Rice – 9 Crimes. Today I did not turn on the music right away. I observed the people on the bus. The girls on either side of me were reading messages on their phones and listening to music. Perhaps they were pretending as I was…who knows? Then the girl across from me was reading her phone. The man next to her was scrolling on the face of his phone…perhaps reading an article, the news or a book.

An older woman (older than me, so that would be close to 70ish); The girl across from me stared at her and looked around…I supposed (I’m guessing) she was hoping someone would give her a seat…but she never offered or even shifted in her seat to show any signs she would. I was about to give her my seat but I noticed she was walking with a purpose and I looked at the far end of the bus and there were a few free seats way at the back, so I waited.

The woman continued on her quest towards the back of the bus, walking slowly, cautiously…no one lifted from their seats…she went up the 2 steps to get to the far back. I could tell she had seen a few free seats. And she sat down at the last row. Many do not go that far because of the steps. She did.

When we get on at the front of the bus there are about 6 seats assigned for older passengers, persons with disabilities, pregnant women and parents with a baby carriage. Rarely have I seen people giving up that seat to people who should have it. In fact even the parent with a carriage, the bus driver will have to bark out orders for passengers to give their spot that has been designated to this person. As for the other designated passengers, even the bus driver does not intervene. I wonder about that sometimes. If I am seated on any of those seats, I always give my spot or offer it but it disappoints me to see that many younger people do not.

Well, the purpose of this post was really to say that I was window shopping…I mean stranger gazing. In the entire bus and it is a long double bus …you know with an accordion attaching the equivalence of a half a bus. At the centre is a circle where passengers can stand and turn…wiiiiii with the bus when it does make turns. I only saw one couple at the centre, standing and chatting. They looked in their early to mid-twenties. Guy was trying to impress gal with his knowledge of bus schedules as it appeared to be gal’s first time taking this bus to get downtown. It was interesting observing the body language. If I were working on a research project in anthropology, I would say they were flirting. Ah, March love affairs and the approach of Springtime…I sighed a bit thinking about this. There is something so powerful about this time of year that seems to stir the heart.

Everyone else on the bus was either reading a book, reading or staring at their phones or had their eyes closed. What did we do when we did not have screens to stare at? And even if we had music to listen to, did we not see, observe, and notice humanity? Did we not witness human kindness? I do think we still do but it may be a bit more difficult to see. Thank goodness there is a kindness blog I like to follow that allows me to see how wonderful we still are, and I weep happy tears at the kindness of people.

I have to say that my bus trip in the city yesterday was so much different. I was seated next to young man with long hair; he was placing his guitar next to him and his backpack under his seat. I had suggested he use the front shelf behind the bus driver for his bag so it wouldn’t get all wet. And we then chatted all the way to the city. He had an amazing life, coming from a small town in Northern Ontario, travelled to Vancouver a lot and would be spending the summer there with his girlfriend. We talked about Hastings Street and I mentioned I had driven by there once and had not particularly been shocked and he said he lived on the streets by choice for several years. I was so pleased talking with him. It was like talking to a caller I may have spoken to on our phone lines, who knows but I felt a nice connection and it really boosted my day. A great way to start my shift.

Unlike today but my walk in the glorious March sunshine, I walked slower to allow the air to wrap me with its loving Spring essence and even took a few shots for prosperity.

March 11th 2014 Hmmm maybe he could add easter eggs to this decor — March 11th 2014
Hmmm maybe he could add easter eggs to this decor

(Haiku)

Long drawn out winters.

forgotten decorations

Will Spring ever come?

Inspired by Strangers People Watching

Sick scents (haiku)

Fragrant scents for one

tastes like soap bar in my mouth

keep your smell at home!

******

Just venting on scents

hostile attack to my snout

fresh air remedy.

© Cheryl-Lynn, 2014/03/11

Reaping life’s rewards

This week’s prompt at The Seeker’s Dungeon is: Gratitude (running from February 27 – March 5)

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others.” – Marcus Tullius Cicero

This week’s Prompt is hosted by Karuna Poole: “I was present once when Jean Wiger, a psychotherapist from the Midwest, was asked what she considered to be the best predictor of success in therapy. Her response was, “The client’s capacity to experience gratitude.” Later, I was taught depression and gratitude cannot co-exist. That isn’t to say that we should feel grateful for the many ways human beings abuse each other, but rather once we have had a chance to work through our anger, sadness and fear, we can choose to put our focus on the skills and positive qualities we’ve developed as a result of having survived whatever trauma we’ve experienced.”

That really struck me when I read if depression is still present, it cannot co-exist with feelings of gratitude. I often wondered about that. I can see how it would cloud my view on the world if I am stuck with past fears, anger and sadness. But what about melancholy…moments my muse seems to appear as well? I tend to dip into bouts of melancholy from time to time and I embrace them more lately so I can do some introspection and write, my new-found love, my muse.

I have stopped trying to figure out the why or what over the years when moods dip into darker states. Chronic pain? hormones? Fatigue? Life? Family? Work? {I have certainly been in and out of therapy as well in the past to help me through these journeys.}

And, if anything, my work is my salvation. I love what I do no matter how painful it is to hear some stories at times, from my callers…I feel grateful and privileged to be in a position to sometimes, make a small difference even if it is for just a moment.

As for other reasons to feel down…well, take your pick…life situations or just plain getting the blues for a while. Sometimes it is a blessing and the universe`s way to say, “Slow down!” I do believe that I may have suffered for years with SAD and that half of the province where I live…with our long winters probably do to some degree.

And when life throws a curved ball now and then, I am learning to embrace it, hold on for dear life at times; surprisingly, I am thankful for this as well. The enlightenment that follows any amount of suffering is priceless.

I often tell myself, “Thank goodness I work!” It forces me to get out of the house in the dead of winter. Perhaps it is also the feeling of having a purpose. We all want to feel this. Look at those who are not quite ready for their retirement. It is a huge and sometimes painful life transition if not carefully planned. I am not talking about financially…emotionally prepared.

In the early 80`s my step-father died and it crushed my spirit. He had been given 3 months to live after his diagnosis and he actually died 3 months later. Having a second baby made my visits only twice weekly , less frequently than I had wished; I felt I missed connecting with him; there was so much I wish I had said to him or heard from him.

A few years later, I began a certificate in Gerontology offered to volunteers. Most of the students were over 65 years old. Lovely women learning how to help elderly persons more and most of them sharing, “My husband just retired and I have to get out of the house…he has taken over my kitchen” or “He`s driving me bonkers!”

At that time I had also started doing friendship visits to isolated, lonely older persons and by the end of my certificate I was hired as a personal support worker in home care. I remember visiting this man who was in his 60’s, dying of cancer. I loved sitting with him, hearing his stories. He was an advocate for our small English community and taught me to be a bit of a shit disturber if I wanted to make some changes. He counselled me in my role on school and parent committees. I followed his advice and started a school daycare learning the school board policies and educational laws providing this right for hard-working parents seeking a good place to have their children go after school. This man just warmed my heart and filled me with so many ideas. He had fought to get English Catholic services available in our town twice weekly including Sunday school for the children. He was a devout Irish Catholic and I grew so fond of this man. I was able to listen to him when he wanted to talk about dying since he didn`t want to worry or hurt his loved ones. I was blessed having this privilege to be by his side during these times I had missed with my step-father.

The universe provides so many opportunities to fulfill our needs!

One day I was at Sunday mass and had not been for weeks and weeks; the priest was at the door welcoming parishioners and made a sarcastic remark, “Well, it is nice to see you pay us a visit today.” I knew this priest had been summoned for almost a year by the man I had visited. This man waited and waited, needing to share his thoughts, pray with him and lighten his soul. But never did that priest go…in fact a priest from another French parish made visits to sooth this dying man. I was privy to all of this. I have been blessed with this man`s trust as he shared his fears, prayed as I listened and held his hand many times.

And so my tongue was a bit sharp as I smiled, tilted my head to the side and said, “Ah, yes, I have missed many Sunday obligations, haven`t I now, Father. But you see, I have replaced them with visits of compassion these past few months visiting a parishioner you well know, Mr. ***.” To this response, he blushed, forced a weak smile, and I sauntered to the front near the altar to sit with my two children.

I am so grateful to have met this lovely man who inspired me just at a time in my life I was searching for my purpose . I am thankful to have met him and that he accepted my presence on his last passage. That was the start of my journey on my path in learning, exploring, discovering and getting my degree eventually to work with people full-time. I am grateful to have started a second rich and rewarding career, blessed having the opportunity to reap life’s rewards.

Fight like a Girl! (Haiku)

Some people just make a difference

motivate, mentor, guide you in life

I had many teachers, advisers

but some just totally inspire you

that’s what SG and LK do for me

Fighting with all their might

despite their Cancer plight

They’ll certainly not lose sight

who the real victors and winners are

as they triumph over this challenging fight

because they’ll be fighting this fight like A GIRL!

Hey! Fight like a Girl!

Grit your teeth, lean on your friend.

Courage thus defined.

Teachers’ Appreciation Day

I am a bit late in submitting this and I have only listlessness to blame. First day of my long awaited vacation I am spending NOT on balconville but pretty much close to le balcon.

This is humbly written (because I don’t write as many real poets I know) but it is from the heart. If it were not for some amazing teachers I had growing up, I may have slipped between the cracks. I do appreciate this difficult vocation because I do believe that it is a vocation for good teachers who go beyond their mandate. And yes, many do. I only worked 5 years teaching a very easy course and could not believe the work involved to keep courses alive and students engaged but that is what you need to do…keep them engaged.

I am sure you all can remember a teacher or two (I’ve had more) that inspired you and mostly that believed in you. So here are my thoughts…

Dear Teacher,
without your guidance I’d not be
here writing any form of poetry.

You taught me my ABC`s
and how to write with ease
entrenched a love of word
my nose so often in a book
I did not know I could afford
to have become so hooked.

Arithmetic, geography,
literature and history
opened my mind to the world
except for algebra and geometry
I did not seem to catch on fast
until university
where a humble math professor
with immense serenity
unassuming and patient…
a quality math teachers
could benefit in the future…(hint)
I breezed through with an A minus!

I learned much more from you, Teacher
but it was still sown in academia
whether you were French or Latin teacher,
Physical Education or Drama..
you inspired and moved me to awe
encouragement and self-worth
filled me with determination
stirred such an inspiration
and allowed me to believe
in me… and not give up
you sealed my fate
a long time ago
today …I can`t seem to satiate
my thirst and hunger for truth…
knowledge and understanding
of life by examining, exploring,
investigating, discovering
realities about humanity
probing with curiosity.

Dear Teacher,
many years ago
you lit a flame
that`s still aglow .

So on this Teacher`s appreciation Day
I thank you all for filling minds
and mostly rousing souls…
stirring them to reach their goals.
Thank you evermore.

PostScript: I just noticed a prompt at The Seeker’s Dungeon and I think this would qualify as a good contribution as well to who has inspired me to be the person I am today.

Acts of kindness (Undercover Boss)

I am not sure where to post this. I thought of posting under Compassion on Stop the Stigma but will settle here under Cher sharing. This is merely a brief comment about a television show. The show is about compassion. Yep, that’s what I saw on the show…compassion (kindness). I don’t care to know if it is a money guzzler show…puleeze don’t burst my naïve bubble. Okay? I saw this show twice and I saw acts of kindness…so if you need to comment, be nice. If you don’t agree, BE NICE, if you find this silly, BE NICE…thank you.

Undercover Boss

I watched this a few weeks ago when my son was over. He had to leave before the end…boy, he never warned me about this show. Tonight I happened to have the t.v. on that channel after I`d watched The Big Bang Theory (my mood fixer). Well, I have to say that show is not one I have ever looked out for on purpose…but golly!! What a tear-jerker it is!! What an amazing show! The idea of helping out genuine kind, hard-working people is very moving.

I realize I am many years late but hey, I usually steer away from any reality shows. Undercover is a franchise television series created by Stephen Lambert and produced in many countries; the first UK and now it has many countries

Enough said…check it out…don`t forget a box of tissue.

Postscript: For the record I’ve only see 2 shows on the U.S. t.v. series.

Unwelcome guest (haibun)

Photo Credits

Today is a rest day. Take care of me day. Resting until mid afternoon in a reclining position on my pillow top mattress….ahhh! my back seemed to be behaving much better. You see too much work, not enough sleep, rest, me time does impact on your body too.

I started washing a few items in the kitchen sink and my mind started turning the wheels of thought and process. I like to call this “meditating”. I decided to take a few items out of my dishwasher…ended up taking every item and washing by hand in the tub…still thinking. I also felt good that I had saved on water and the environment by NOT wasting water and hot water by using my dishwasher this week.

My mind kept moving along on “play” I had to find something more to do. I call this the Mary Tyler Moore Syndrome. For older folks, you may remember when she was upset or had something to process in her mind, she would clean up her apartment. Well, I have no intention of doing any majour cleaning but I find doing it in little increments, it soothes the soul. You know, like cleaning out a closet, helps to sort things out in your mind…look at something, chuck it in the trash if it has served its purpose and set aside if there is some more sorting and “processing” to do.

I actually use that analogy a lot when counselling youths. Counselling is a lot like cleaning out your closet. I usually take everything out and make three piles. One to give a way (it can be a learning experience you are ready to give away…process with your counsellor, then move on) , one to throw away (you look at it, talk about it and put it behind you, no longer serves any purpose…actually weighs you down) and one to sort (may not be ready to look at, talk about yet…) and put back neatly in the closet..

So I decided to clean out a corner cupboard near the sink. It is one that is deep and difficult to get at things…so I put things in the deep part that I don`t need much and in the front part I have my rice and box of cereal.

Rewind a bit: Bette, my loyal feline bff has been sitting near that cupboard door for quite some time. I thought perhaps there was a mouse and had checked it out before the holidays…nope, no mouse there. Then I checked to see if there were any insects…nope…all good there. But it is always very cold there…it is connected to my neighbor who is rarely home…in Europe somewhere but there is a buddy that stays over now and then. So basically it is not heated much and I suppose not checked out much…yep you got it, a safe haven for vermin during our cold winter months.

I decide to empty everything…I notice little calling cards…yep, you got it but do not see any owner. All is emptied and nothing…so I figured the culprit came in through the hole in the wall (around the pipes) that leads to my neighbours and went back to that huge haven of free space. I start washing with disinfectant…then checking my box of cereal that I have never opened yet…I notice a hole in the box and I see/hear movement…OMG…little furry mini grey critter…dear me…Bette was right all along…I will never EVER second guess her. She is the master of this house {really apartment but it sounds better}.

So much for disrupting my meditation…finished cleaning and started blogging…my mind had no more clutter for some reason…my muse revisited and stayed a while, perhaps to comfort me after my heart kept racing… {sigh}

(Haiku)

Heard pitter patter

unwelcome guest scurried fast

A mouse in my house!!!

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