It is amazing how much literature there is on the lack of sunlight and darkness affects moods and yet there does not seem to be as much on seeing ONLY WHITE F&$&ing snow. The skies are grey today and yet the brightness of the snow still makes her eyes squint and adds to the jackhammer in her head. It is said that January 21st is the most depressing day of the year. How interesting that it may be the most depressing but that does not mean that the following day it has disappeared. No siree, it lags on and on and on and lurks into February and depression infecting each day forward.
Today, she squints as she looks out the window, debating if she should go out to do some errands which would entail, getting dressed (winterizing with coat, boots, scarf, ski mask, snow pants, gloves or mitts and cleats) to the bus stop, waiting in the wind, avoiding cars splashing the slush on sidewalks and repeating the same thing on her return. It is like shampooing one’s hair: shampoo, rinse, repeat.
Fortunately, today it is a balmy –5C so she can lose the snow pants, ski mask and mitts. What a joy! It is snowing today and she stands at the corner feeling her cheeks blush with each kiss.
“Crunch, Crunch” her boots moan as she approaches destination. Taking a deep breath of the fresh air, she feels a shift in her mood and knows that this brief but effective exercise has fired neurotransmitters that are lifting her spirits. She sighs thinking of those who suffer so much especially this time of year and the risks that may entail…
mid-season blues like summer draughts bring despair in the dead of winter
blindly seeking respite from the wrath of depression
treading warily on grief’s temptation veering such demise
bundling up with courage some may make that phone call
hearing in that voice caring and supportive may give life a chance
When pain hits over the 7 threshold and stays steady for days and nights, it can impact on the soul. By then the body is looking for a comfortable position and the soul now feels trapped in a dark unpleasant place. It’s like a massive truck has supernatural powers and it can crush the spirit as well as the body…locked in a third dimension. All you
can do is wait and distract yourself with little movement, safe for gentle restorative yoga…the mat becomes my home.
And then at any time of day or night, it lifts…the tolerable level between 2 and 5 is a blessing. Suddenly the soul feels like flying…it is one thing to be in pain but oh, the taste life when it diminishes…I become human again, pleasant again and even my mindset becomes positive. That is “something I truly enjoy” …ah to feel human again and stick my heart, soul and body out to take in that amazing sunshine even when the sun is above the clouds.
It creeps in Ever so subtly Harming cunningly
It creeps in Uninvited Unruly guest
Ever so subtly Increasing its voice Jarringly
Harming cunningly Like an abusive partner inflicting pain
Recently, winter showed its face with a venegence…two days of heavy snow and snowdrifts scaring drivers into ditches and so much more. But we are on week 3 and clean up is still going on but the temperature is rising and allowing the snow to be less permanent…the sun is shining and hope is in the air…spring, hopefully is around the corner. The darkness of February and the blues is lifting and onto March winds to clean the grounds. Let’s hope the melting slows down a bit for the earth to catch up as well.
heavy snowfall slows life momentarily in February bedlam throughout all the roads ‘til the slosh of melting snow
I can’t believe a decade has passed…and yet, your presence is missed as if you just went on a very long trip. It feels surreal that I will never see you again in this life. But oh, I dream of seeing you some day again. Although your physical presence is missed, I savour your visits in my sleep. Sometimes I binge too many crime shows and some nights, I dream I am trying to solve some dangerous mystery and you are often with me…it’s as if we are the Nancy Drew team [smiles] and when I wake up and review my dream I cannot help but smile in awe that you accompanied me on this fascinating and action packed adventure.
Relaxing in my living room, nursing an autumn cold, I cannot help but look in awe at the concert I witness in my patio window. I’m lucky because these trees lose their leaves in mid-November compared to many other bare trees in my area. I feel blessed at this time of year, to see such vibrant colours. But today they are jumping and doing backflips with that cold wind. People pass by snug in their winter parkas and tuques on their way to our local park. I have no intention to brave the cold.
I see the clouds moving and often they are dark and daunting…like a warning, “We’re coming to get you my little golden friends.” For some reason, I hear Dorothy’s witch cackling this. The end is near. The tween times are often difficult…the limbo of this season where we see darkness already by mid-afternoon, tree branches bare…no snow yet…and we wait during this transitional state . Thank goodness for Halloween and trick or treatres bringing joy and life to this time of year…
Until then, I feel blessed to see this vision of beauty Mother nature brings us each year.
I hope people had a lovely Mother’s Day yesterday but mostly that those who may have found it overwhelming that they took care of themselves. It was nice and sunny Saturday here but Sunday was grey and sometimes that can influence our moods.
You know how we (humans) seem to focus on the “not so happy” feelings sometimes and not the joys we do have? Well, I woke up with the latter Sunday morning. For days I have been missing my mom…a lot. I know it may seem silly because if she were alive she would be 97 and I was so lucky to have her in my life as long as I did, but still…she’s my mom! So I guess my mood was grey like the clouds and had a good cry. It`s amazing how cathertic that can be…it actually gave room for positive feelings.
I was plannning my day in my mind…feed the bff’s (best feline friends), have a cup of java, exercise toes and feet (I’ve been working on my mobility these days with sore feet) and I was planning later to take the bus to the florist 5 stops from here, get a nice bouquet for my mom, then walk to a different bus stop to go to the cemetery. I was actually surprised to see that this florist was so close to my place. I could walk on normal days but the feet need TLC these days.
After putting in my toe separators for a 10mins exercise, my phone rings. I can see it is my son and when I answer I hear Lara my 3.5 yr old grand-daughter…”NANA!!!!” Hmm, I guess it is not a phone call but a video call again…after fidgetting clumsily with my phone I see that adorable face and Shirley Temple curls smiling at me, asking me in French “As-tu fait un beau dodo, Nana?” [did you have a nice sleep?]
They wished me “Bonne Fête des Mamans!” and asked me what my plans were. I mentioned just going to the florist to pick up flowers for Nanny and they asked to come with me. Well, that sure tickled my spirits!
They arrived with a lovely surpsise… a huge hanging basket of flowers and plants for my balcony.
We went to the florist and then to the cemetery which was crowded..always is on Mother’s Day…I must go back alone on my mom’s birithday in June so we can have a nice quiet conversation…
It was cute to see Lara…I told her it was a park for older folks, not a play park but it was very pretty and peaceful. It really is a nice place…there is nice pond with flowers and shrubs and benches around the pond. I especially love the weeping willows. I have written a few poems sitting there and even made some greeting cards from the photos (without saying where the beautiful image is from…some people cringe at the word ‘cemetery’).
We explained to Lara to not walk on the plaques on the ground with words on it, so she would ask me to read some of them all the way to my mom’s spot.
three generations honouring their matriarch Mother`s Day field-trip
I remember my kids telling me when they would stay at my mom’s for a few days, she would have a picnic at the cemetery where several departed family members were resting. I only heard about this when I saw some photos from my mom’s album when she passed.
Mom had a way of visiting her dad and siblings and later her mom and made it a fun day…a visit rather than a sad day. I like that. At the time I did not see it as positive but a bit gruesome. I get it now especially seeing Lara’s smiling face. Yes, I think if she spends time here I may take the bus with her to go there…taking the bus is a treat too for little ones who are used to being driven everywhere. My grandson loved our trips to the city by bus and Métro.
We went back to their home for a fun visit at the park and then a nice dinner.
hear the music squeals and giggles toddlers on the swing
After dinner Lara sat next to me with a book she wanted me to read and Gabriel sat on the other side. I had never read this one before. As I read, I could feel both children huddle closer to me and looking up at my face as I acted out a lot of the words. Their mom laughed saying I looked as excited as the children were reading it. I actually was…I love discovering new children’s stories. I also like making up children’s stories.
I had such a lovely day and slept like a baby last night.
Tomorrow I will be having a belated Mother’s Day dinner with my daughter. What a full week filled with love.
My heart is swelling so much I feel it against my chest.
rain or shine (haibun) daily moments April 28 2024
Rain or shine life can still be.... sublime
This morning I woke up to the soft rain falling and still I felt content. It was interesting how yesterday’s sunshine infused hope and joy and today I still feel good…[sighs] It must be my espresso with a hint of vanilla…
today is a lovely day sun rays on the windowsill hear the plants sigh
today is a lovely day raindrops on windowpanes, washing winter away
sun rays on windowsills mother nature’s “good morning” blossoms smile
hear the plants sigh a new form of silence… nature’s budding cheers
I had my last appointment at the podiatrist …and decided to take an Uber. I did not feel like spending a few hours in transit. It was raining again like the last appointment. Maybe the Universe arranged it this way so I would not feel guilty spending money on my ride.
Usually I enjoy chatting with the drivers who often have such interesting stories to share but this morning, I noticed the driver seemed interested in their talk show about politics on a francophone channel and thought it best to get back to my podcast. The driver seemed to drive with an uncertain foot…fast, then slow, fast, then slow. Yep, just as well, I did not chat on this ride as it might distract the driver.
After the brief appointment, I decided to walk to the coffee shop to have lunch and relax. On my way there, I was pleasantly surprised to see a car stop to let me cross. A gesture like that sure makes my day!
feeling grateful
a stranger’s act of kindness
fills my heart
I took out my little notebook I carry with me just in case I get an idea for a poem and savoured my dark roast.
at the coffee shop
aromas rouse my senses
soft music echoes
unaware to such pleasures,
patrons staring at their phones
Recently I have been reflecting on how I tend to be preoccupied with worry. However, I realize that ruminating in some cases bring me joy for example, when I am replaying a memory that warms my heart.
I remember seeing a video my daughter in law was kind enough to send me of my 3 yr old grand-daughter opening a Valentine card I mailed her and she takes her time trying not to tear the card inside, seeing it as a gift to her and once she opens it she shouts, “It’s a HOLIDAY! Thank you, Nana!” How quickly such delightful moments escape us when we are trying to record that moment…
pen to paper that brief moment put into words
pen to paper recalling that joy freezing an image alas! the moment has passed! like a butterfly in flight
I have since found a marvelous way to hold on to such memories. I relive them several times in my mind and whenever I need to take a 5 minute break to relax and get my “joyful fix”, I close my eyes and focus only on these blessed moments. I have several of my personal real life videos banked in the front drawer of my brain. Try this “fail free” practice of visiting joy at your leisure…and breathe [smiles].
For the past 4 weeks I have been rereading the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and redoing the exercises. The main one is journalling 3 pages each morning the moment I wake up. That is a bit of a challenge on the days I work since I am not a morning person and I have to set the alarm 30 minutes earlier. But I do set up my coffee maker on my vanity in my bedroom the night before so I can at least have my java fix as I write in a stream of consciousness.
Today is Day 2 of Week 4 and I managed to be inspired to write one poem/haiku…but you would not believe how I got my inspiration!
I noticed a new icon named Co-Pilot, on the task bar of my laptop and out of curiosity, I clicked on it. It popped up on my right side and it is an AI offering to answer questions, create background images …basically everything and anything. So, I typed in “poetry prompts” and it listed a bunch of types of poems…then I typed in “Haiku prompt” and it gave the definition of a haiku and gave me a bunch of prompts that were mediocre but the one that struck me was “sound”. I was hearing a sound in my office that stimulated emotions in me…and so here is the haiku that turned into a troiku.
Sleeping Sounds of Innocents (troiku)
Gentle whimpering
soothes the ears as she writes
sleeping feline moans
gentle whimpering
subtle sounds of innocence
moments of pure joy
soothes the ears as she writes
recalling sleeping infants
tugging at the heart
sleeping feline moans
dreaming chase in open fields
feasting on its prey.
Tournesol dans un Jardin 