Emily does not remember much of the unpleasant and scary for some reason. It’s like ghosts in the back of her brain. The good, happy, loving images are so vivid and when the ghosts try to poke at her and get to the forefront, she is never sure what is real. The details are blurred. She sees a little girl sitting on the steps at the back of her house, sulking or weeping for “no reason”.
“I’ll give you something to really cry about!” screams in her brain…a buckle on a belt flashes and then blackness.
Recalling unpleasant and scary is like trying to pick up a lost penny on the pavement with your toes.
Then feeling the warm, loving hugs and her soothing voice…remembering her comforting embrace is her safety net.
memories
floating in and out
dream catcher
memories
fragmented stories
and blurred lines
floating in and out
latching on like…
bloodsuckers
dream catcher
recalling soothing hues
tangible – love
(c) tournesol ’19/08/15
What would you write in Chapter 2 of your life story?
Walking from the mall today, I noticed the rides were back on the property. They are a team from the Beauce and they are here about 3 or 4 times a year. They set up at the front of the mall and usually when I walk home from work late at night I use the back route since my home is behind the mall. Still I see five or six vans and trailers parked on the back side, so I know the fair is back in town.
(c) Clr’19
Today, I wanted to take a few photos to savour some of the summer images we long for during those long frigid winter months. I like to pretend that I’m a kid again and going to the fair with my mom and sister. Just an image here, another there and I am back in time decades ago. I can even smell the food!
ferris wheels
roller coasters
screams of joy and fear
Returning from a lovely birthday celebration for my Aunt Mae, my head was swimming with thoughts on my return home by train on this 13th day of August 2013.
It is a solemn day today; I’ve felt blessed being with people who changed my life; people who encouraged me when no one else did; people who believed in me and offered me the sanctuary of their home so I could save first and last month’s rent when I started a new life in a new city 400 miles from home. People who had not been in my life for almost 30 years and yet never hesitated to offer their unconditional support! They never judged me; nor did they expect anything in return!
They invented “paying it forward”!
Meet my Aunt M who is my father’s sister; she lived too far most of her adult life to be privy to family drama and stories; she was busy raising her family, making her way and a wonderful way of life she did as well.
She is an amazing mother who raised three fine sons…3 fine men…3 fine cousins…three fine creative souls! She is an amazing wife, who followed her husband across the country and enjoyed every minute with the man she loved. She encouraged and supported his decision when he too returned to university so he could change his career for the second part of his life. She is a grandmother, aunt, wife, artist, mother-in-law, model and mentor in life.
She is an amazing friend who never forgets any friend she has encountered along the way on her life’s travels…just check out her monthly postal and cards’ expenses!
She is an amazing person who embodies goodness…volunteers, is always there to help, contributes for events that entail fun(oh, how she loves to play) she is always available to chip in at potlucks, bring the best peanut butter cookies to friends and friends of her children who have to move; she is there to help at parties, special events and people of all ages just love her!
She is an amazing “ma tante” who gave selflessly and proudly…merci, Ma Tante! She is an amazing and accomplished artist …creating beauty for the past 70+ years The profile pic on this blog is ONE of her many paintings she has created, she sculpts as well, draws, does stain-glass, teaches art …multi-media and so much more!
To my amazing Uncle F (Mr. G) who is an amazing father! He raised 3 sons to be 3 amazing husbands, 2 amazing loving fathers! He nurtured them, played with them and gave them guidance…he is a father, a dad , grandfather, uncle, friend, and a mentor. I always envied my cousins for having the most amazing dad on this planet…and I am thankful to have been blessed with his tender love, wise guidance and fatherly support…he was the dad who loaned me his shoulders for support when my heart was broken, and his insights when I was at a crossroad. Thank you, Uncle F!
He is an amazing husband who encouraged his wife to grow and develop her creative side at an art college in her middle years, and as well, later on, he pursued a second career in improving the lives of people, who volunteers to this day and continues to help people in need. He is a loving grandfather, father-in-law, uncle and model/mentor to look up to.
I love them so much and today we had a pleasant and sombre rendezvous. I was looking at two people whom I love very much… aging…and yes, it is part of life’s cycle…I get it!
I choked with sadness and longing as I heard my uncle comment calmly, rocking in his chair, “We are getting closer to the summit of our horizon”. I looked at him in awe…maybe I saw an aura…this warm kind man radiating so much wisdom!
Later during our lovely lunch I was thrilled listening to my aunt giggle to a comment I had made. She was still 16 inside that body…this body who still swam twice weekly doing 42 lengths each time…this woman who did her 15 minutes of exercises every morning she was still swimming at the age of 84! {Yes, I have so much to look up to and learn from and have yet to get off said lazy butt and do some of this to stay healthy!}
How I loved to discuss issues of medical or mental health nature with my uncle. To discuss books he has read…he who is still a member of book club at the age of 85. This man still volunteers and reads and is so vibrant and alive despite his frail body that refuses to retain iron and whose bones are so fragile…and yet, he still pushes himself to stay active. How I love him and admire him.
Uncle Fred & Aunt Mae
How I loved to attend art shows where my aunt hung several pieces of her art and she still continues to expose her art this week at 3 places in the city including City Hall. What an amazing artist! How I loved to go shopping especially taking advantage of those “great sales” on shoes!! She always made me feel like her other daughter…so much more than her niece. And to Uncle F, he too made me feel like his extra daughter…somehow there was always room in both their hearts for me…and that makes me weep happy tears.
And so I am soaking up this unique and special love I feel for them and they have for me…and know I want to try to come more frequently to see them…for the days, the months, the years are limited …
Can`t seem to find the words the mind is just so numb cracks etched upon my heart memories start to form lines on every vein telling each a different story good, caring, funny warm, loving, happy smart, wise and witty, A hundred and one adjectives Never enough for this fine man
that time he whispered softly, “Now be careful when you date, that no man breaks your heart” Handing me a tiny teddy That held a great big heart he gave me one fine Christmas My first, away from home
Oh! Remember my first date At Phantom of the Opera! so frazzled on what to wear! Fred and Mae just sat down calmly on their maple Vilas couch watching the little fashion show helped me choose what to wear
those nights coming home after a date with so and so… a bottle of Kahlua a shot glass and a note “Hope you had a nice time, Here’s a nightcap for you, before you go to bed” that time that we three had dinner and then he smiled and asked smacked his lips mischievously “Wanta share a joint with me, It’s one of Wardy’s homegrown?” I thought about it mulled it over and said to myself, “Why not?!” I felt very safe with Mae & Fred and was plenty curious too!! Had not experimented In my teens with LSD or pot a goody two shoes I was a lot the sixties and the seventies… never dated much either I married my teenage sweetheart When I was just fifteen.
I think mid-life made me daring at forty-five I was bold I tried my very first joint just a few puffs here and there and off to Disneyland I was! Guess I was not a good candidate or as my cousin Ward would say, “Cuz, you sure are a cheap date!”
He was there when I moved five hours away from home he and his wife made sure I was safe in my new home He pushed me to exercise Walking a mile after work Then we’d eat that chunky soup Homemade by Mae each week
We talked about life and helping people Psychology and mental health he understood me and my work I could feel his fatherly pride His heart that swelled inside for all that I have done and I’ll cherish all those times he gave so selflessly altruism his middle name
We both loved to read And when he finally retired He joined a book club The only male reader there But Fred was so accustomed Exceptions were his ordinary
We shared a few novels Discussed them for awhile I wish I’d had more time Discussed with him Green Mile Those stories that made you think I treasured his insights and wisdom His thirst for learning Never quite quenched There was so much in life to learn Feeding on medicine and therapies nothing was beneath or above him Except of course technology Computers did drive him mad!
a loving and generous man how could you not admire A man of such great depth quick and clever kind and compassionate he never missed a beat devoted… compassionate
Until we meet again Uncle Fred I so hope you are dancing Speed walking and jogging, free of all aches and pains walking up, one by one, those golden stairs beckon you to heaven
Today, I treated myself to a mani-pedi at the Mall across the street. As the lady started working on my neglected feet, I took out my beads and relaxed and chanted my mantra silently. Usually one lady takes care of my feet and later I move to a table where another lady works on my hands. Today it was not as busy, another lady approached me with a bowl to soak my left hand while she started working on my right hand.
just like Dorothy pampering hands and feet in the land of Oz
It felt good to just be in the moment and relax. Later, I walked around aimlessly at The Bay and realized I wanted to continue doing “nothing” and came home to cocoon with my thoughts and my bff’s (best feline friends).
watching the leaves sway rustling with the wind Mother Nature’s blues
watching the leaves sway listening to sopranos cicadas shrill
rustling with the wind
like a full satin skirt
Mother used to wear
Mother Nature’s blues
giddy daisies dancing
to a summer’s breeze
Remembering I wept Reliving, Shedding tears hidden from yesteryear And then I breathed Feeling relieved And then I knew I was healed A little more than yesterday humbly counting my blessings, I pray
I had forgotten I purchased this book three years ago. I cannot help but feel connected with every word rereading her words…Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur
Tournesol dans un Jardin 