you cannot chase it
you cannot look for it
you need to be content
with what the universe brings you
to be open to flares…moments of joy
that lift the corners of that frown…
my cats made me smile today,
the sunshine brought me joy
new blossoms on a plant
on my bedroom windowsill,
sipping my morning java makes me sigh…
feeling warm water
in the shower eases the pain
from aching joints
see the pain run down the drain
gone for a moment or two
moments I embrace…
Recently I have been reflecting on how I tend to be preoccupied with worry. However, I realize that ruminating in some cases bring me joy for example, when I am replaying a memory that warms my heart.
I remember seeing a video my daughter in law was kind enough to send me of my 3 yr old grand-daughter opening a Valentine card I mailed her and she takes her time trying not to tear the card inside, seeing it as a gift to her and once she opens it she shouts, “It’s a HOLIDAY! Thank you, Nana!” How quickly such delightful moments escape us when we are trying to record that moment…
pen to paper that brief moment put into words
pen to paper recalling that joy freezing an image alas! the moment has passed! like a butterfly in flight
I have since found a marvelous way to hold on to such memories. I relive them several times in my mind and whenever I need to take a 5 minute break to relax and get my “joyful fix”, I close my eyes and focus only on these blessed moments. I have several of my personal real life videos banked in the front drawer of my brain. Try this “fail free” practice of visiting joy at your leisure…and breathe [smiles].
For the past 4 weeks I have been rereading the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and redoing the exercises. The main one is journalling 3 pages each morning the moment I wake up. That is a bit of a challenge on the days I work since I am not a morning person and I have to set the alarm 30 minutes earlier. But I do set up my coffee maker on my vanity in my bedroom the night before so I can at least have my java fix as I write in a stream of consciousness.
Today is Day 2 of Week 4 and I managed to be inspired to write one poem/haiku…but you would not believe how I got my inspiration!
I noticed a new icon named Co-Pilot, on the task bar of my laptop and out of curiosity, I clicked on it. It popped up on my right side and it is an AI offering to answer questions, create background images …basically everything and anything. So, I typed in “poetry prompts” and it listed a bunch of types of poems…then I typed in “Haiku prompt” and it gave the definition of a haiku and gave me a bunch of prompts that were mediocre but the one that struck me was “sound”. I was hearing a sound in my office that stimulated emotions in me…and so here is the haiku that turned into a troiku.
Sleeping Sounds of Innocents (troiku)
Gentle whimpering
soothes the ears as she writes
sleeping feline moans
gentle whimpering
subtle sounds of innocence
moments of pure joy
soothes the ears as she writes
recalling sleeping infants
tugging at the heart
sleeping feline moans
dreaming chase in open fields
feasting on its prey.
November often is filled with grey skies, fallen leaves and cold rain that often turns to snow. It is a time of transition between cool to cold, between vibrance versus calm and rest. Mother Earth needs a rest and will wrap us soon with a white blanket…Some people are excited for the holidays but many feel melancholy, missing loved ones far away or no longer here. Some are living in a past that is missed, others look forward to the joys of holiday gatherings, good food and children’s eyes twinkling with excitement.
At my age, I’ve been blessed with archives of many joys and here are just a few…
Sitting by the riverside, waiting for the sun to set
willows weep with joy last sights of nature’s beauty sun dips below silent nestlings tucked in robin does her last round
sunset dips beneath blue azure fluid hues of joy
So many joys to share…moments in time linger in my memory.
The first time you learn you are pregnant after years of trying. I remember not believing the pharmacist and asked him to write it down on the receipt to show my husband. My legs were shaking so much, giggling nervously and I could not drive for a good fifteen minutes.
I remember thechallenges of being a first time homeowner. One morning, my husband had to call the contractor for help when our basement was flooded. I just kept smiling…Iwas in my own world because I felt my baby move in my belly for the very first time.
Hearing the crunch underfoot walking on that first snowfall. Making snow angels and tasting snowflakes on my tongue. Hearing my grandson giggle when I slipped and fell in the snow. Hearing my grand-daughter respond to my ”Te amo”…with ”Mucho mucho!”…a joy that makes the heart melt with so much love.
Seeing my grandchildren wave and smile at me on video chat!! Even technology can bring me joy!
The first time my child says, “Mummy” My adult child that says“I love you, Mom!” Grandchildren saying, “I love you Nana!”
A struggling youth in such pain ends his call with me, “You give me hope”
Toddler walking barefoot on the grass for the first time, lifting his foot because it tickles.
night unveils new dawn dewdrops on soft petals sun kissed skies
Memories transport me to another time…
sitting on a park bench giggling children joy painted on their lips
sitting on a park bench swallows chirp telling stories
giggling children skipping, running joyfully tag you’re it
joy painted on their lips brings new life to any day how the spirit glows!
Awakened Christmas moring discovering Santa’s surprise under the tree. Eavesdropping from my bed, “But how did he know?!” my heart bathed in love, weeping tears of joy…
Carols echoing Adeste Fidele…such moments of delight! Yesterday’s joys, born again, I smile anew!
Life offers many joys. One just has to stop and notice they are here even in the saddest times, under grey clouds and personal strife. She shuffles reflecting on her solitude wistfully aiming for the city park.
The past whispers as she honours her sibling’s birthday; sitting by the water she inhales a hope for spring despite the ice covered lake. She feels her mother’s presence and together, they bathe in sun’s glory. She remembers how her uncle enjoyed ice fishing too, in those little cabins spread out on the lake. Ah those brave souls… fishing was only part of the experience, he used to tell her. That was not that long ago it seems. How important it is to embrace precious moments that become treasures stored for later.
Birth and death, to me, are more similar than different. That first moment you learn you are going to have a child, you go through many emotions. You are shocked or surprised; you are in denial until you accept the fact you are, if you are someone who had not planned this and perhaps inadequately prepared at this time in your life, be it at 12, 16 or 20 years old, for example. You may be bargaining with your higher power or yourself that it could be a miscalculation or you may be a woman who has been trying to have a child for years. Maybe you do not want to believe it in case there is an error and you will be grieving a loss of that hope once again. You may even feel anger or guilt or both if it is consequences of a rape, a party gone bad, a foolish mistake…take your pick. Even if the pregnancy is planned, there are moments of sadness, of saying goodbye to the life as you knew it, the freedom and the fear of having an innocent being dependent on you for the next two decades or more. Every life transformation starts with saying goodbye to your past before hello to that new beginning.
Acceptance can be anytime throughout the gestation period or once that baby is born. And that very day you know that you are treading on unknown territory even if you are happy. That first child, the awkwardness and fear of not getting it right is ever-present. The apprehension mixed with the acceptance of this reality come together ….your new beginning.
I cannot help thinking as I am grieving my mother today, hours before that time she passed, relating death to birth or a new beginning. I am reliving each moment I was by her side that morning, afternoon, night. Even if I knew she was frail and consumed with dementia, the death…that total loss was a new sense of aching emptiness. It was shocking in the sense I had no idea I could feel this much loss at first.
As I sit here hours before her death a year ago, I cannot help but playback moments of that long day. I couldn’t go to work today…called in sick as I knew I would be of no service to youths or young adults in crisis…my soul was tired and my heart too fragile. I thought it would be the day of her passing I would feel this intense loss and need to revisit those last hours we shared together in love… symbiosis.
When I think of the time of her death being just minutes after midnight, it would make sense to be mindful of the day before. My mother would also retell me every year hours leading up to my birth which was minutes after midnight as well.
Thinking back on the births of my two children, I cannot help but be reminded of the day before they were born because those were the preparation hours, things we did not quite realizing when those babies would peak their little faces to the light and out of that warmth.
Every year I relive those moments before my children were born as I do for my grandson being present then as well.
Holding my newborn son years ago, I remember wondering (even if I was happy and had been waiting years to have this first child) how I will cope in this new beginning. Will I manage? Will I be good enough? What is ahead now is new territory I had never experienced before firsthand.
When you lose someone you love deeply, as I am feeling with my mother, I feel somewhat similar feelings…that awkwardness, self-doubt on how I will manage through the rest of my life without her. Not being able to phone her, visit her, tell her how much I love her…thank her for loving me and giving me so much all her life. No, this is new terrain at any age. It is a new beginning of a life motherless, fatherless as well…a new experience as the next generation to pass on and see myself in that new role.
As I think of birth and death, the same exercise goes on in my mind…reliving those hours before that first cry, that last gasp.
(troiku)
Birth and death time before a milestone engraved forever
birth and death
ground breaking
both preludes
time before a milestone
unfamiliar ground
flashing by
Grief followed her like a doting puppy; days, weeks, months of moments tears just soaked her face; never a moment’s notice, tears of grief are spontaneous and sneaky. She knew this; expected this and accepted the sudden burst of tears.
Last week, marked a milestone in her career and colleagues and friends were most generous with comments and well wishes. At the end of her shift in the late evening, a colleague working the night shift rushed to her to deliver a beautiful bouquet of fresh cut flowers.
sudden burst heart bathed in pure love tears of joy
She looked out to the river. The rumbling rapids helped to quiet her pulse. She sat crossed legged on the flat stones and gave a child’s bucket to her grandson to fill and water the lilies on the shore. Back and forth he repeated the dunking; sauntering to the shore, splashing water on the bed of lilies. Suddenly, the little guy asked , “Why are you crying, Nana?” He pointed to a teardrop slipping down her cheek. She looked stunned, having been in another world for a few seconds, “Oh, I’m not crying, sweetheart, I was daydreaming about butterflies.”
Tournesol dans un Jardin 