Poetry ~ Waka
7 years passed missing her each day like it was just yesterday miss her scent rich and heavy animated laughter flirtatious smile uttering her sweet “darling” with a British accent 7 years has passed miss her like it was yesterday Love you Mom now and forever a timex love affair keeps on ticking. (c) tournesol 2021-12-02
It was my first retreat. I was sharing a room with a long time devotee I had never met. I was not even worried but what did unnerve me, was how would I react when this spiritual Mother, this world renowned guru would arrive? Would I feel something special within? Would there be a sign from the universe? I was going out of curiosity that summer of 2014 as I had been seeking something to help me grow spiritually. I was open to learn.
The first day I arrived I waited with my token, in a long line, to be embraced by this amazing woman. I reached the stage and sat down waiting to be summoned to move forward. I could feel my body shake out of anticipation or nervousness.
I wasn’t sure which.
My mind went back to when I had to face the bishop as a child at my Confirmation. I was so nervous I had to pee so bad! Not unusual since I was confirmed at five years old. Young? Yes, but I was tall and my mother wanted to spare the embarrassment of towering over my peers, so the priest gave his permission. I took extra Catechism lessons and memorized The Apostles’ Creed and I would be led to that man with the tall pointed hat! I did not appreciate the slap on the cheek (The teacher forgotten to tell me about that part)
Minutes later, I was standing in front of the beloved Mother and I lowered my body to be embraced. Her warm hug was like that of my grandmother’s, as if we knew each other forever and yet we were strangers…or had we once met in another lifetime?
Three days of similar rituals, meditations, warm compassionate talks and beautiful stories, singing…so much singing and the tap tap of the Tabla drums filled the room. On Devi Bhava, after Amma had completed all her hugs, her blessings and it was time to leave…she stood up on the stage, looking at all her devotees for one last long endearing moment.
The vast room filled with thousands of people fell silent…mere echoes of a far away cough, a tiny baby gurgling and Amma’s eyes on all of her devotees; was it possible to feel this pure love wash over each and everyone in that hall?
crowd falls silent
Holy Mother’s reverent gaze
beat of a heart,
echoes in the chamber of a chest
tears roll softly down a cheek
© Tournesol ’15
It’s been a challenging year personally and professionally. I can’t hide behind a cloud and pretend the New Year changed that. However a new year offers opportunities to continue processing areas that need attention somewhat like housekeeping. I need to look at what I want to keep among all the dusty clutter before I can find balance in my life. That is the longest part.
Think about when you are clearing out a closet and all the things you find at the bottom way at the back. You take out a box for example, that is covered with dust; you open it and look at the contents. It brings you back many years to a moment in time. You feel the emotions good or bad; you may weep a little, you may get angry and even kick that box around…again the feelings resurface and another layer is removed. You may feel you are done with this and trash the box or you may dust it off, put it back securely at the back of your closet for another year or so. There is no right or wrong way…but your own way.
There are good things I want to topple over to this year. New and old friends I have encountered near and far, the relationship I have with my children and grandchildren is my duvet for the cold months and stroke of soft silk in the warmer months; my poetry and the past six or seven months training in Japanese poetry at Carpe Diem with our host and mentor/master Chévrefeuille, his followers who inspire me and the amazing WP community that inspire and support me. And my amazing colleagues who are the strength and foundation that serve youths across this country and allow me to love my work.
like a gambling debt
stays too close for comfort
last year’s loss
~
spilling over
like turkey leftovers
last year’s grief
~
a new year
good housekeeping
feng shui
~
last year’s haiku
shadow into the new year
time to excel
~
my heart beats
to the love my children,
flame of a candle
© Tournesol ’15
It was beautiful to see the patience a young child can have despite his age, his anticipation and yet, he managed it with eloquence. For a few years he would be so happy to see my cat at home so he could pet her, hold her and perhaps even play with her. The attempts were always short-lived and he would leave discouraged, certain that this picky feline did not like him. Try as I might to explain her fickleness was part of her personality and that in time if she saw him more often, she would certainly come around. And come around she did this week.
Since he slept in “her” spot, I was actually surprised that she was drawn to him instead of being jealous but no, she totally drew closer and his patience certainly paid off. To see him beaming when he started petting her…that she allowed him to even touch her was magical to see.
© Tournesol ’14
When I was very young before I even went to school, I remember making a space in my bed for my guardian angel. I just believed there was someone special because my mother told me so. Those were years when it was quite turbulent at home with my father when he was inebriated. I believe moving over in bed to keep that space available for my angel made me feel safe.
When I was six my GrandPapa died. I have spoken many times about my maternal grandfather. I was living with him the year he was dying. After he died, I never made room in my bed for my guardian angel for I always believed GrandPapa was always with me. I would cram for exams at the last minute too many times and just before the test, I would ask my grandfather to help me remember the answers. All through elementary school, I would close my eyes at difficult questions and see the spot on the page in my science , history or geography book…I believed GrandPapa sent me cheat sheets because so many times I did not study enough in those earlier years.
When there was thunder and lightening, I was always very scared. GrandMaman would be so calm and look out the window at the lightening. She would comfort me by telling me that GrandPapa was bowling up in heaven and that was the sound of the thunder. He was playing for money, she said, which he would send her. Perhaps she was trying to explain that her widow’s pension came from him.
I have a fan club up in heaven now, with many other relatives. But I always feel my grandfather is looking out for me and still pray or chant visualizing the face of my grandfather.
child in the night
felt a nudge and made room,
guardian angel
snow kissed cheek
wind whispers his presence
guardian angel
message from heaven
first snow covers the ground
guardian angel
© Tournesol ’14
Tournesol dans un Jardin 
