midnight blue ink
mocking muses
running off stories
river flows
blending old and current
muddied waters
writing sorrows
drowning at dawn
so boring and trite
Writing about twilight inspired her stay in that moment and wait by the river as dusk turned to twilight and twilight turned to midnight…the wee hours of the night when thoughts rushing in the mind seem to take over and rambling reflections start shouting and the subconscious takes on a life of its own. Yet, wisdom deciphers what is and what is not…
Who am I? If I tell you who I truly am, what is left for me? I always thought this for a long time. How much we are guarded at times. How close to my chest must I hold my cards? If I tell a person a secret, well, something no one knows but me, will he/she still accept me? The answer is a) probably not b) no way c) maybe with time d) all of the above Well, I know, you, Emily, will accept me…you have no choice, you stuck, glued at the hip…poor you!!! {chuckles}
In the past 2 weeks I am reading some Daily Quips from ButterflySand and they are getting under my skin, not quite like those ghastly giant hives I get off and on but still they are making me think. Shoot! For a person who tends to overthink things to the point of insomnia, I’ve tried with all my might this past week to shove it under the carpet in that walk in closet of my soul. But darnit! it is persistent, consistent and pervasive like dust in our homes (Oh, how I love my home at night when dust is veiled with twilight!)
I reblogged a post by Dave Kester on Stop the Stigma and I invite you to check that as well because that post truly impacted on me and I think people may truly appreciate his humble candor in this piece on secrets we hold about our personal self.
My ruminating all started with a post on Rage also by Butter Sand and made me see how we all have our weaknesses or failings when we may just explode, be upset, get frustrated, become impatient and then there are explosions…yikes! One would have to wonder what brought that on, right? If we do it in the privacy of our own homes, we dismiss it after a few moments of feeling shame. But when it happens in front of a close friend, a child (even worse!) or in public (work, store, etc.) then we know we need to do something about it OR withdraw for fear it happens again…and not get too close for fear someone gets to know us TOO well. What if it is another type of flaw we harbour and don’t want anyone to know about us? How do we hide it? How is it nurtured to stay within us for so long? How does it settle like a comfy couch and yet…is it really that comfy?
Well, this writer/blogger/artist/poet made me think a lot. I am thinking that perhaps there is a reason I am noticing more posts of similar nature. Fate? Serendipity? …maybe I am at a place in my life where I AM supposed to be just about now.
DungeonPrompts are weekly prompts that allow bloggers to do some introspection, if they want, and write from a personal account OR a fiction, poem, story. This week it’s about Writing in the Flow. Well, that surely rings a bell. I read Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way years ago and did all the exercises in the book. I took a journaling class at U of T at St Michael’s College years ago as well, partly to unleash my creativity so I could write more but what happened was it opened my eyes to a lot of pent up stuff I was holding back. I suppose that too will hold back our creativity. Well, if you look at this week’s prompt you will see some quotes that Sreejit posted that allude to that fact as well.
So I read this prompt and another light goes on. The instructions are so similar to what I tell youths on the phone and yesterday in particular I repeated and did a relaxation/imagery meditation with several youths who phoned our service. I may do it once or twice a week but rarely so often in one shift. Nonetheless, I do find it fascinating that so many pieces are falling into place…feel like being visiting by old friends and family. Like anyone, we have people in our past we don’t care to revisit but some boomerang back because we have things to settle within ourselves…still.
And so some of my past readings are forcing me to do some serious introspection…thank goodness for poetry for some thoughts are articulated with a bit more grace…the good, the bad and the ugly. I tell you, Emily, I am so busy on overdrive with this pondering!
Today is May 1st and it does feel like a beginning as we enter, finally, in our neck of the woods. Pam at Butterfly Sands posts yet another lovely thought to ponder on her Daily Quip which I reblogged earlier this morning. This is how I want to end this reflection, Emily, on a positive note as she described that people don’t just love you despite your flaws but that our flaws are what make us…make ME and I’m wonderful…YOU are wonderful as you are!
Have you ever heard the expression that when you teach you learn so much more and better? I used to say that about some of my workshops on personal and social development. When I would feel my self-esteem and self-worth slowly slipping into dark places, I knew it was high time to give a workshop on Self-esteem or Assertiveness skills. Every time I would offer information, examples on how to enhance our self-esteem, I was reminded of my own personal struggle with this, from time to time.
It doesn’t take much really. It can be one too many criticisms on your work, a feeling you get when a lover has dumped you or the self-defeating attitude of seeking perfection…you have no choice but to feel you will never measure up…who IS perfect unless you are divine. Well, I take that last comment back because we are all created in the image and likeness of the Divine and I believe we all have “the light” within us. So scratch that…I digress as usual.
Where was I again? Oh, yes, rehashing former knowledge to absorb it again or better. I find that when I am talking to callers at my work, when I am offering some guidance and giving examples, I do a quick scan…introspection … and sometimes that phone call is helping me as well. I end the call and write a few notes or take my break and reflect on what I shared. Sometimes I write a story or a poem if I feel I have tripped on an “aha” moment.
Last night I shared a few reflections by contributing to a prompt at The Seeker’s Dungeon on Secrets. I chose to write on personal experience on another blog and write on my professional experience on this blog. I felt there was something missing to my first offering. I like to look at all sides of a picture and then I added a second piece which was the secrets those who offend and hurt others by adding a snapshot of someone confessing his sins. I thought that was repenting, feeling guilt was a way to make it sort of alright…it was sort of a start I thought because “guilt” is such a terrible place to be, right? Then I also could relate on some level with the priest who has to hear all sorts of confessions yet I rarely have to hear vile offences as he does. Although I may hear of the guilt some are burdened with, their shoulders weighted heavily and I will try to help them find forgiveness and love for themselves.
But this repentance thing really got to me for I received a comment and invitation to read a post on what the true meaning of repentance is. I was absorbed and finally enlightened…and “lightened” such a burden was lifted from my shoulders as I read the beauty of grace and forgiveness. Of course I knew intellectually and remembered reading in bible class and hearing over the years in sermons that Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our sins but that is not what my church taught me. It taught me to earn forgiveness and yes, we were always judged, gauged by how much we did to fit into that “in” group of the blessed and righteous. So much pressure there was in this environment, I adopted a “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t” so may as well do my own thing and decided to follow the Golden Rule. That is what I have tried to do most of my life.
But when I read that post on repentance, I felt relieved and comforted because you see, I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now…
Photo Credits: The Dance of Youths. This has always been an image I have adopted and tried to include in my work. When I created Alecoute-Ntouch I had originally wanted to use a logo resembling the Dance of Youths. For me, it represented being in harmony, in touch, être à l’écoute avec soi, with self. The dove represented so much more than the Holy Spirit…it represented my core…my mother’s name is Colombe (that is French for dove) so you see how Picasso’s art truly spoke to me and breathed life into my work and whole being.
Tournesol dans un Jardin 