Late in the night, after her shift she walked through the bush, her shortcut to the Métro. As she stepped onto the deserted street she could not help but notice a huge light beam down at her. She looked up and saw it smile at her. She stood moments in awe, enthralled by the magnificence of its beauty. Surely this was a sign…a blessing for her week.
Showered with grace
moonbeams ignite lone path
echoes a mantra
© Tournesol ’15
Tournesol dans un Jardin 
Get ready, this is going to be tough…..I thought the haibun exguded great atmosphere, and you kept it well-contained – ie, a sign for a good week, not impossibly bigger than that, and the smile – great! For a second I thought you had lost the most important, the realism, but you had not, it really worked – now… the haiku was so nicely presented, and was a powerful haiku, in it’s own right, but I wondered what it brought new to the haibun, and repeated words in the haibun….
Others, of course, will disagree, I just like a haiku to show from a different angle, not repeat as shorter summary, though lovely haiku……………………………….And…..oh dear! Think is so much stronger when haiku is NOT repeated below the graphics…somehow ruins impact……
now you can hate me! But you know what a fan of your writing I am…
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Thanks, Hamish, not brutal at all. When I was typing my last sentence in the narrative, I had asked myself, “Will this be too much? How will this diminish my haiku?” Lesson learned…at 2am, should have slept on it. I appreciate your honest feedback. It reminds me of a Grade 6 teacher who pushed me from 70 average to 90’s.
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I am so proud to know you. Vraiment merci, but…I’m sure you’d be that teacher with me, who needs it!
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We learn from each other; each encounter with a human being however long or short (like waiting in line at the bank) can enrich your life that much more. Nous sommes tous et toues unis…
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Lovely, Cheryl-Lynn.
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Thanks, Janice, glad you enjoyed it. I’m working on another haiku but gotta run to work now. Hope you have a great day. It is so warm these past days here…already 23 (high 70’s) and will go up to 28!! Gotta get my sandals out:)
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Lovely dear girl … simply lovely … the haibun is very moving indeed .. like these shorter haibun much more than the long ones intertwined with haiku … a lovely haiga as well.
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Thanks, cara. I think the exercises Chèvrefeuille gives us writing short haibun has helped. I also removed the last sentence allowing my haiku to complement the narrative rather than repeat…
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I agree Chèvrefeuille is brilliant helping us with his exercises … and I like how this month he’s doing the brief intros to Basho’s haiku … each a lovely haibun in themselves! Of course I can’t know what that last sentence was … but the end result was lovely.
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You know, I bought the French translation of Basho and am enjoying it more than in English because I have to read it much slower. In English I would have to reread and reread a page…it is like listening to a different teacher…there are some words stressed differently, so I get to experience more!! Like the gum, double your pleasure:)
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Interesting idea … I should try that out in Italian …
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Yes, you should…I saw Italian translations too David Lanoue has translated Issa which I purchased too.
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I think this is lovely. 🙂
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I’m glad you enjoyed it, Celestine 🙂
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