She was always a daydreamer ever since a young child. As she grew up she would change the endings of movies she had seen and create different scenarios. Life is like that! Movies hold only one script of a possibility.
Imagine if fathers would clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, shop at the grocery store, bring the children to the doctor and tuck them in! Mothers would come home after a long day at work greeted by their husband holding a chilled glass of white wine or maybe a cup of tea.
Imagine if fathers walked the children to school and talked to the teacher when they had belly aches or that boy kept pulling her hair! Imagine if fathers sat patiently at the kitchen table helping children learn their ABC’s!
Such a silly dream she had in the 1950’s but it would have been a nice change to see.
tripping falling down the stairs who kissed the boo boo?
tripping Daddy catches her before she falls
falling down the stairs someone pushed her heart aches more than flesh
who kissed the boo boo waking up to reality mothers know best
2018 started with residues of 2017 months to heal the soul by the ocean in California and the soul slowly mended. Yet, the body takes so much longer to heal. This was a year of change, negotiating her first collective agreement…something she never thought she would ever take part in but thinking of her peers, she wanted to give as much as she could to these angels who make a difference in the lives of youths and heroes of the night.
Positive change is on the rise comingled with a tsunami of
service demands. Let’s try to focus on
the positive changes and see how they can manage the flood of demands a wee bit
better.
The summer was blessed with a trip to Mexico celebrating the
promise of forever love between her son and his new bride. A beach wedding and
dining by the ocean at sunset. How can
one not embrace life and love!?
Here we are the last day of 2018 and she still feels like
she is playing catch-up. 2018, a year of
shedding tears, not enough to fill an ocean but certainly enough to fill a
lake, a river or pond. She wonders how fresh water fish could thrive in salt
water.
Today, she listens to their pain for the last time this year. She feels her joints screaming blue murder. Is it possible to have sympathy pains in your body for the emotional suffering of others? The more the hours move forward, she feels her body get heavier and heavier (no wait, that might be the chocolates and mid-afternoon pastries!). Ah, yes, comfort food…soothing taste buds feeling like that nice cookie and milk mama gave after she had fallen and she had kissed her boo boo.
Picture at Olivier`s wedding
embracing moments
wedding vows by the ocean
barefoot on the beach
embracing moments
rolling with the waves
salt water floater
wedding vows by the ocean
even spirits are moved
Mom’s picture fell
barefoot on the beach
playful and delightful
celebrating love
This is the time of year she hears pros and cons (mostly cons) of Baby It’s Cold Outside, so she decided to watch the video once more. The message she remembers getting from this since she was a young child was “DON’T TRUST MEN!” She learned that if you go home for a nightcap at a man’s home or hotel room or whatever room he borrowed for a night was, do NOT trust him. You must keep your drink of soda in your hand ALWAYS even if you have to go to the washroom…like her mom always said, “Keep your drink within your sights at ALL time because your drink could be spiked with drugs.”
Isn’t that intersesting that in the 1960’s her mom was warning her about getting raped but we did not say that word in those days. When an older man, creepy drunk uncle, granddad or dad was too touchy feely, you were told to just squirm away politely. Yep, none of this was discussed openly. Why not? Why did we not just call things as they were? A lot of girls and young women may have skirted sexual assault, incest and RAPE. You know that 4-letter word that describes NO CONSENT!
Yeah, this really irks her thinking back how things were swept under the rug.
She remembers in the late 90’, newly single in her 40’s. She did not know much about dating. What does one know about dating when one is engaged at 16? She remembers going to a dance club with her girlfriends and at 02:45 (15 mins before closing time) the vultures checking their prey from the mezzanine would come down to pick a gift to take home…or hope to take home. A freebie, no doubt since they were too cheap to even buy a lady a drink. The music got louder the last hour before closing and the beat sounded like jungle music. Really!! And that is when she started smoking again so she could sit at the bar and give an excuse she had to finish her cigarette to NOT accept to dance with any of the losers fellas there. She liked dancing with her girl friends but when men tried to join them, she felt it an intrusion of their free spirited fun. It was sad to see how some people (men and women) hoped to meet the person of their dreams at a meat market dance club.
What is that about? Looking to score with a drunk woman was their goal. How pathetic is that? The remorse the next morning and that was not guilty feelings from the hunter but the prey turned victim turned guilt ridden blaming herself that she should not have dressed like that, should not have drunk so much, should not have gone out to that dance club…period!
And so she watches the video a third time in one sitting and tears run down her cheek as a memory of something- something flashes by her eyes…a memory she had buried so far away, she never had time to process. And now the song Baby It’s Cold Outside plays for a third time and she mourns her innocence of long ago, she grieves her loss of makebelieve where peole do not take advantage of other people. She mourns the thought that doctors, priests, dentists, ministers, teachers and other professionals are to be trusted, that fathers all over the world only love and respect their daughters, that dirty old men are only those dressed in dirty ragged clothes.
Now that song takes on a whole new meaning. The song makes her sad, then angry and she is disgruntled on her way to work and impatient with people sitting too close to her on the bus and she mourns her innocence because innocence used to be oh, so bliss.
big eyes
gazing admiringly
when she was six
big eyes
laughing with GrandPapa
watching her hero
gazing admiringly
resilience and honour
GrandMaman
when she was six
heros began to fall
GrandPapa died
I love thisartistthat I discovered in the movie made for her and walkingalong the rainystreets of San Francisco twoyearsago, shefoundhergallery. It was like a childwalkinginto a candy store.
Colombe – Bette – Mom- Nanny June 26. 1926 – Dec 2, 2014
November 30th, 2014 I dreamed the same dream three times. It was scary but you were there with me in my bed, trying to save a child from death.
I forced myself awake for it scared me so…then slipped back into slumber and the same scene appeared two more times. And so, at four in the morning, on December 1st, I waited until dawn to call the nursing home. I knew there had to be something wrong…no one had warned me. Not one relative had called me but I knew because you came to me and I knew you wanted me by your side.
The nurse at the nursing home said softly “Come quick, she does not have much longer.” The taxi took so long to get there or maybe I just wished he could have gone over the speed limit. But an hour later, I was by your side all day and all night until passed midnight…you raised your head slightly and turned towards me, taking your last breath.
Blessed I am you could not speak you found a way
blessed I am to be by your side
you could not speak but acted out your plea in my sleep
you found a way with the grace of God to summon me.
Each week is a mystery nowadays. No, actually each day is a surprise with the weather. Last week she surrendered to her warm down filled coat and even wore her ski mask walking home! And this week the rain washed all the snow away and little bits of ice hang on for dear life (or to scare the life out of some poor clumsy person like her!)
The first days of warmer weather were welcomed for sure but now, it is with mixed feelings. She looks out the window with total apathy. “What again! more grey skies?!” She shuffles back to the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee. “Not enough coffee” she sighs like a martyr and takes out the espresso beans and grinds enough for her pot and a little bit more so she does not come up empty handed if she wants a cuppa later in the day.
Her cats are sitting on the carpet looking at her expectantly. The black kitten, Kali, wants to play but would be just as content to cuddle. She will soon be a year old in two weeks. Bette, on the other hand, looks up at her with her dreamy emerald eyes and barely utters a”meow”. When she gets her mistress’ attention, she forces out a few more sounds pleading for food. Not a surprise to see that from this voluptuous Siberian cat who loves to eat.
While the coffee is brewing, Emma decides to make her bff’s (best feline friends) work a little for their food like true feline hunters. She takes out her fishing-pole wand with long feathers attached. Bette is really into the game and shows off to her competitor by jumping up and falling on her back ready to eat that silly bird like prey. Kali runs back and forth, so innocent and clueless but succeeds to catch her prey a few times too.
Treats are out and food for the beasts and now the mistress sits by the window sipping her cup of java with a sense of dread. It is her day off and she had plans to get things done and purchase those Nordic Walking Poles today. Looking at the jam packed parking lot of the mall across the street discourages her to even step out of her comfy chair.
Her head is heavy with a million tiny hammers knocking simultaneously and she hopes the caffeine may help a little. It is challenging to be cheerful looking out at so much grey today.
lingering grey mockingly hover deserted grounds
lingering grey mud, clay, sand turn to dust
mockingly hover abandoned gravesides mourning our loss
deserted grounds footsteps on rich soil whispering adieu
Tournesol dans un Jardin 